cluelessgroom.com

Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter One: The Proposal
Chapter Two: The Ring
Chapter Three: A Future In-Law Primer
Chapter Four: Setting the Date
Chapter Five: Setting the Budget
Chapter Six: Legal Matters
Chapter Seven: The Guest List
Chapter Eight: The Invitations
Chapter Nine: The Bridal Party
Chapter Ten: The Reception Hall
Chapter Eleven: The Food & Drink
Chapter Twelve: The Officiants
Chapter Thirteen: The Music
Chapter Fourteen: The Photographer
Chapter Fifteen: The Videographer
Chapter Sixteen: The Dress Code
Chapter Seventeen; The Ride
Chapter Eighteen: Cash & Prizes
Chapter: Nineteen: Pre-Nuptial Parties
Chapter Twenty: The Wedding Day
Chapter Twenty-One: The Honeymoon
Epilogue: Happily Ever After
Helpful Lists


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10 things you need to know about getting married.
1) Propose to someone with a good sense
of humor. She'll need it.
2) It doesn't matter how much you spend on
an engagement ring, as long as
it is more than you can afford.
3) She will not promise to "obey" you. Don't ask.
4) Have at least one good argument about a
detail of your wedding plans, just
to show you care.
5) When you lose this argument, lose graciously
6) Carry a handkerchief during the ceremony.
She's going to need one and
wedding gowns don't have pockets.
7) In your wedding toast, make sure to thank
your wife, your parents and her
parents.
8) Have at least one glass of water between
every drink at your reception,
and don't forget to eat something.
9) Don't forget to pack birth control for your
wedding night.
10) Nothing will be perfect. Not your ceremony,
not your reception, not your wife, not your
children and certainly not you. Expect
perfection and you guarantee disappointment.
Embrace imperfection, and you open yourself
to all manner of happy surprises.


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10 things you need to know about staying married.
1) The secret to a happy marriage is a selective lack of communication.
2) Having two bathrooms doesn't hurt either.
3) There is nothing to be gained by comparing your wife to your mother. Ever.
4) The same goes for comparing her to her mother… times infinity.
5) Don't cheat on her.
6) Lie all the time, but don't lie maliciously.
7) Never forget her birthday or your anniversary.
8) Buying her something expensive doesn't automatically get you out of the doghouse, but it doesn't hurt.
9) When you fight about money, remember that divorces are far more expensive than whatever it is you are fighting about.
10) Never stop dating her. Never let her forget why you started.


The Clueless Groom's Guide? $10.
Staying out of the doghouse? Priceless.

The 10 best things anyone ever said about marriage
"I married beneath me. All women do."
--Lady Nancy Astor

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
-- Rita Rudner

"My mother said it was simple to keep a husband; you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said hire the other two and I'll take care of the bedroom."
--Jerry Hall

"My own, or other people's?"
-- Peggy Guggenheim, in response to the question,
"How many husbands have you had?"

"Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law."
--Anonymous

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success."
-- Jim Backus

"Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: 'I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do...'"
-- Lenny Bruce

"The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong."
-- Archie Bunker

"The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
- Samuel Coleridge


"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished."
-- Goethe


The eleventh best thing? "I wish I had this book when I was engaged." from a review on amazon.com. Click here to read more.

What you need to know about proposing
As in comedy, curveball hitting and life in general, a proposal of marriage is all about timing… and blood alcohol levels. When you do it, and how sober you are at the time, are far more important than the words, the setting or the heavy equipment you’ve rented for the occasion. You only get so many shots at this, so you want to be pretty sure you are striking while the iron is hot.

So how do you know the time is right? Chances are that someone will just tell you. Chances are even better that someone will be your current girlfriend. She may say it indirectly. She may say it straight out. She may even couch it in a terrorist threat. One way or another, however, she will tell you when it’s time to pony up. Once she does, the clock is running, my friend, like Carl Lewis on a triple-strength dose of Benzedrine. If you don’t pop the question before the buzzer sounds, you will only be left with two options:
1) Lose the girl.
2) Suffer the ignoble humiliation of succumbing to a flat out demand.
Either way, you have lost the element of surprise, permanently surrendering the upper hand in this relationship. It’s either over, or severely crippled, because no one wants to start out a life of marital commitment because their girlfriend made them do it.

On the other hand, there are dire consequences to proposing too early. Public humiliation is a very real possibility. As are Hamletesque heartbreak and/or a near-fatal haymaker to the self-esteem. More importantly, you stand the risk of ruining a perfectly fun relationship by getting all serious too soon. Believe me, no self-respecting gent wants to go there. Can you imagine James Bond getting down on one knee and flashing the ice only to have the girl say, "I don’t know James."? Let me think about it for a while."

I think not.

The answer we’re going to be looking for here is, "Yes." Preferably, "Yes. Yes. Yes, baby. Yes, baby. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. "


Ready to pop the question? You'll be needing one of these.

What you need to know about engagement rings
Above all else, there is one thing you need to know about engagement rings. They are expensive. They are, in fact, so painfully expensive that the average man will audibly gasp and visible pale at the mere mention of their price. That is, after all, the entire point. If they were not so expensive, our loving fiancées would not be nearly so insistent upon receiving them as tokens of our undying affections.

It pays to keep in mind that, to your fiancée, you are not just giving a ring. You are giving a sign of your willingness to go deeply into debt to purchase an item in which you have absolutely no interest rather than buying something you have deeply coveted since childhood. She will think that’s really cool.

So exactly how big a sacrifice are we talking about? At the bottom end, plan on giving up your designs on a 32-inch, cable-ready Sony wide screen with PIP, three input jacks and a universal remote. If you really want to impress, you'll have to indefinitely postpone your hopes for a Dodge Ram Pick-up with towing package, reinforced skid plates and a premium sound system.

It should be noted that the diamond retailers association recommends that you spend two months salary on an engagement ring. Of course if the diamond retailers association could get away with it, they would recommend that you deplete your entire net worth and resort to selling blood plasma in order to pay for their wares.

At this point, any rational man begins to consider the possibility of the big hoax. Admit it, you’re zapping the commercials on Monday Night Football when you trip across a limited time offering of cubic zirconium rings on The Home Shopping Network. You start thinking; "Will she really be able to tell the difference?" It turns out that the answer to your question is an undeniable, "NO." Unless your beloved possesses a degree from an advanced gemological institute, she will never know. There is, however, a hitch. Immediately upon receipt of her "expensive" engagement ring, your fiancée will insist that it be insured. To get insurance you will need an appraisal of the ring's value and, alas, jewelry appraisers can tell the difference. Fret not. It was a nice try and I applaud your resourcefulness. You're exactly the kind of guy that made this country great.

Now that you've shed a tear for your lost wide screen TV or pick-up truck, it's time to head out into the wilderness to hunt down a ring. I sincerely recommend that you proceed with caution. You are in uncharted waters here and the sharks that will soon be circling you are very hungry indeed. It is safe to assume that in any transaction with an experienced jewelry salesperson, you will lose. These people will seek out your precise threshold of pain and belly up to your credit limit like an interior lineman at a buffet table. Resign yourself to it. The best you can hope for at this point is damage control.

Any jewelry salesperson worth his or her salt will begin by educating you in the various factors determining a diamond's value. This is the set-up. Rather than gasping in horror, you will soon be evaluating the various components that can actually make a tiny chip of stone seem to possess the same value as an average bass fishing boat.

The factors you will be duped into considering are widely known as the four "C's," meaning clarity, color, cut and carat. Each of these factors has within its power the ability to increase a diamond's value and decrease your overall sense of financial security.

Let's begin with cut and carat, as these are the two components that ordinary, right-minded men can readily understand. "Cut" is diamondese for shape. The vast majority of diamonds come in five basic shapes. These are oval, pear-shaped, marquise, emerald and round (or brilliant-cut.) More recently, novelties such as heart-shaped diamonds have also been made available. (If the news escaped you, take it as a sign of mental health.)

Of the five, oval, pear and marquise have the ability to make a stone appear larger. Round cut stones are generally the most twinkly. Emerald-cut stones are considered by many to be the most elegant. None of this matters. The only matter of importance here is which cut your fiancée prefers. Believe me, she will have an opinion on this matter and, if you were listening, she will have made this opinion clear long before you set out shopping. For a clue, listen to those catty and/or admiring comments she makes about other women's rings. There is a message in those comments. It is directed at you and it is not unintentional.

The next factor you will be forced into considering is "carat." Carats are the weight units with which gems are measured. They are very small units, indeed. In fact, it takes 142 of the little suckers just to make up an ounce. For those of you accustomed to making the argument that it's not the size that counts, you will quickly discover that your argument does not hold much weight in this realm. Size counts. A lot. Not coincidentally, it costs. A lot. If you are at any point tempted to sacrifice size to purchase a diamond of absolutely pristine quality, resist the temptation. On a routine basis, your fiancée will be asked how many carats her ring weighs. She will never be asked the more obscure quality ratings. She will want an impressive answer.

"Clarity" is measured by the amount of imperfections, known as inclusions, that mar the diamond. You can go pretty far along the rating scale before the difference is actually visible. Despite the almost certain protestations of your jeweler, I recommend you trust your uneducated eye in determining what is acceptable. Work down the scale from near perfect to total crap. When you start recognizing flaws, go back up a step or two. There’s your mark.

As for "color," several tints are available in addition to the standard clear diamonds. Some of these are less expensive than the clear ones. Some are radically more expensive. Once again, it behooves you to determine if your fiancée’s tastes run towards colored rather than clear diamonds.

You may have noticed that the focus of this chapter so far has been exclusively on diamond engagement rings. There do exist, however, women who prefer other gems. If your fiancée is among them, consider yourself fortunate. With some exceptionally rare exceptions, you will save at least a small wad of c-notes off the price of an equivalently sized diamond. If you have found a women who actually prefers such sentimental tokens of your affections as a Cracker Jack ring or a cigar band, kneel down before her in devout worship. She has been sent to you by the gods.


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What you need to know about honeymoons
The first thing you'll want to know about your honeymoon is that you really want a good one. You want to take a trip that's cooler, more expensive and more exotic than any trip you've ever taken, and you want to do it very shortly after your wedding. You want this for three reasons. First, because you can. Second, because you will really need a long break to unwind from the wedding stress. And third, because honeymoon nookie is flat out better than almost any other flavor of nookie there is. This is not an opportunity to be lightly missed.

Tradition has it that the planning of the honeymoon is the only part of the wedding festivities that is fully the groom's responsibility. That means that, traditionally, honeymoons were the most ill-considered and shabbily planned part of the entire process. (You think everyone in the continental United States used to honeymoon in Niagara Falls because they liked falling water so much?) Fortunately, more and more brides have become more and more involved in the honeymoon planning process. This fortunate development has been a bit of a two edged sword. On the downside, you are now far less likely to spend your honeymoon Marlin fishing. On the upside, your "honeymoon suite" is now much more likely to come with an indoor flush toilet. Let's call that one a draw.

For our purposes, let's say that the initial planning of the honeymoon will be your responsibility. The stepping in to change all of your decision and correct all of your bonehead mistakes part will fall to her.

WHICH WAY DO WE GO? WHICH WAY DO WE GO?
When it comes to planning your honeymoon, you certainly have plenty of options. With a once in a lifetime travel budget, you could easily afford to go see, up close and personal, one of the true wonders of the world. You could watch the sun set over the Taj Mahal as the strains of the sitar waft through the gentle Indian evening. You could witness the majestic migration of the wildebeest across the Serengeti Plain. You could join the annual running of the morons at Pamplona. You could do almost anything, anywhere.

So what are you going to do? You're going to plunk your fat, lazy butt in a mid-grade resort beach chair and swill fruity tropical drinks from plastic tiki cups, aren't you? Sure you'll grab your little taste of adventure. Between rounds one afternoon you'll take the helicopter ride over the local volcano. That should help you work up a thirst.

It may not surprise you to discover that the vast majority of American honeymooners head straight to one of the world's great beach potato Mecca's. These hot spots include Hawaii, the Caribbean, Bermuda and the Mexican coasts. If you wish to travel even further, you might also consider Tahiti, Bali or the Seychelles Islands.

The difference between these tropical paradises can be striking. For example, in Hawaii you might check-in to a large all-inclusive resort beautifully landscaped with palm trees and exotic tropical flowers. Water will flow everywhere. You'll flop on the pristine beach looking out over the turquoise water, then maybe play a round of golf. Perhaps you'll cap off the evening at an "authentic" luau with fire jugglers, roast pig and poi. On the other hand, let's say you go to the Caribbean. You might check-in to a large all-inclusive resort beautifully landscaped with palm trees and exotic tropical flowers. Water will flow everywhere. You'll flop on the pristine beach looking out over the turquoise water, then maybe play a round of golf. Maybe you'll cap off the evening at an "authentic" Caribbean beach party with fire jugglers, roast goat and conch fritters.

In other words, you don't want to make any rash decisions. Before you decide on which tropical island will be best for your honeymoon, make sure you and your wife agree on what kind of animal you want to see roasted on a spit. Just in case, you might also want to choose a location that has a few points of interest other than the swim-up bars. After a week or so, even the prettiest beaches can get kind of old. It's nice to have the option to go off and see some interesting ruins or something for half a day. If nothing else, it will make your Mai Tai's seem better deserved that evening.


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